Twenty-Six Letters

Surfrrosa
Jan 3, 2024
7 min read

Updated: Jan 7, 2024

"Nothing is lost. Everything is transformed."

The NeverEnding Story (1984)

I try to think back to when my spiritual journey started. It's strange because I have a difficult time pointing back to exactly when it began. As I reflect upon it, I could say it's been my entire life. I can tell you that my kundalini awakening happened in September of 2019 right after my 33rd birthday. I wasn't aware of my spirituality until after that point, but I can also look back to how I was being prepared for it. It's like an elaborate plot of bread crumbs scattered upon a long winding trail through the unknown.

Seemingly out of the blue, in September of 2019, I had a really intense energetic experience that was far beyond words, and this was the beginning of a huge transition in my life. At the time, I was still deeply ingrained in my external reality. I was in no way prepared for the experience I was going through. It actually came during one of the lower points of my life, and I was a deer in headlights. I had a difficult relationship in my life that challenged many of my beliefs and shattered others. Most importantly, it was a catalyst for me to seek therapy.

Before going to therapy, I read a lot of books about psychology. I have a degree in psychology, but the books I read took me much deeper than anything I'd learned previously. I was reading these books to try and better understand the situation I was in, because I was drowning in confusion. They gave me insight and prepared me in a lot of ways for what was to come next. I found a wonderful therapist who had expertise in the areas I was looking for and helped show me just how important this information was to become for me. There was an exercise in particular that showed me my next steps and what was possible in terms of exploring my own subconscious.

I have spent my life with an untamable curiosity for both myself and life in general. I am always trying to go deeper, hence the blog name inspired by a neon sign I randomly bought off Instagram as a bizarre conversation starter. My therapist and I started discussing inner child work which is truly the foundation to all healing. I actually got into adulthood thinking that I had healed many of the things from my childhood and young adulthood. It was my therapist guiding me through a meditation that really opened my eyes to the fact that I still had much to heal and more importantly, the power of this work.

That was the start of other trauma bubbling up to the surface to be healed and my ability to recognize it. That particular relationship in my life was perfectly designed to bring up all my previous wounding, and I am thankful for it. It's taken a lot of healing to say that, but I've come to understand the deep purpose and importance of it. When we enter into difficult relational contracts, they are incredible opportunities for growth. They hold the potential for us to meet ourselves on the deepest levels. During the guided meditation with my therapist back into my childhood, I burst into tears. It completely blew me away, because that was nowhere in my conscious mind. I really had to dig for it and go deeply back into this mundane scene from my childhood to find this profound sadness I was carrying with me.

Afterwards, I was able to put these exercises in motion myself, and I started to heal using various means. It was like a doorway into my subconscious, a bridge. That's when I learned the importance of the transmutation of energy. One's ability to transmute energy comes down to awareness, willingness, and acceptance. I made a conscious effort to actively transmute energy as it moved through me, and the simplest way I can say it is I allowed myself to feel my feelings, fully, and in real time if it was possible. I would follow my emotions and memories to their core and lean into them instead of suppressing them in one way or another. I sat in presence with myself, as long as I needed.

I then spent the following years practicing allowance. During this time, I practiced radically accepting everything I felt, all of my experiences, myself, and people and situations as they were. It was also a time of releasing conscious and unconscious expectations I had for myself and others. My process was to go back into those timelines and moments and meet myself to help shine new perspectives on those experiences using my current wisdom. It has been my way of repairing experiences that I wasn't able to make sense of at the time.

Those timelines, I know, are still very real and affect us in ways we can't see. It is only our lens of awareness that shifts along a continuum that we come to know as our lives unfolding. We can change our perspectives of situations and circumstances of the past, present, and future at any moment we choose. Integration of our experiences is rooted in our awareness, understanding, and our ability to take forward those experiences to make the most of them. Experiences that aren't properly integrated get stuck in the energetic centers of our bodies, weighing us down in ways we don't ordinarily perceive. If you often feel numb, joyless, and miserable, you're probably bogged down with unprocessed emotions you aren't even aware of. The more stuck energy in our bodies, the more we succumb to unconscious behaviors. The more that we leave in the shadows, the more enslaved we become to those shadows, and the more suffering we cause ourselves and others.

We can mindfully invite our subconscious into awareness. As we go through this process, we become free and closer to our authentic state of being. A good practice to start with when difficult thoughts, memories, and feelings arise is to ask ourselves what we need or needed in that initial moment and then take the time to provide it. Nothing external is necessary. It can be helpful to work with a therapist or check into other healing modalities when we don't know where to start. However, true healing comes from deep within the self, and there is no substitute. This is the start of an entirely new relationship with self. Sometimes the only thing needed is pure awareness and acknowledgement. During the inner child healing process, we create the space necessary for stillness, joy, wonder, contentment, and inner peace. It is the start of letting go of old programs that run throughout the body and mind that holds us captive, repeating the same patterns time and time again.

That was my introduction to systematic and mindful healing. I have to start with this, because kundalini awakening happens somewhere along the process of self discovery and healing. My own experience leads me to believe it occurs once a particular state of consciousness is achieved which can happen through various means. Before it happened to me, kundalini or kundalini awakening were terms I had never heard of or encountered in any literature. I found the information through others who had already had their initial experiences while trying to understand my own. Because I had no words for it, I found it purely through intensive research. Once I found those resources, it was an unshakable knowing. I have to discuss this in parts, because the topic and journey that I've been through is complex. I'm currently four and a half years in, and it's been a continuous spiral of incredible transformation during a relatively short amount of time.

This journey begins when we stop looking outside of ourselves for explanation and turn the mirror back to the self for questioning. All the answers we seek reside here and this process is about learning how to connect with them. It's about learning how to use the mirror of external reality to know where to look within ourselves and vice versa. I believe anyone who finds themselves attempting to look beyond the surface of life will find themselves going through a similar process, and it all starts with bringing the unconscious into conscious, illuminating the hidden. In a future entry I'll continue the story of my own journey to talk about using the external world as a source to navigate the internal landscape and my own experiences doing so. Once written, I'll link the pages to one another. If you've had similar experiences, I encourage you to share. I'd love to connect, and I hope to eventually build community. I know that both spiritual and kundalini awakening is becoming more and more commonplace. It is a very difficult yet rewarding process, and I would love to build a supportive network to share helpful, objective information.

Spirituality can sometimes feel like the wild west because there is so much subjectivity coming from every angle- that's kind of the point, I guess. Information can too often get caught up in the extremes of duality and come from a place of fear, making it incredibly distorted. I hope to add grounded, balanced, and practical information to the collective conversation to empower others undergoing this same journey. The journey back to self is one worth embracing with open arms and an open heart.

The journey to wholeness is the most important work we can ever hope to achieve during our lives.

Hopefully you've enjoyed my little Fantasia montage while talking through all this. ;-)

I've always thought of the spark of spiritual awakening akin to the moment when Bastian realizes he, too, is a character in The NeverEnding Story, the book he reads. Not only that, he is the hero. That moment in which the dreamer, the observer, wakes up. That is the hero's journey.

I will include some of my favorite resources during this time below.

Currently inspired by

Revisiting old Fiona Apple videos