The Liberation of Self
- Surfrrosa
- Jan 11, 2024
- 4 min read
Last night I had a dream I was in the house again. I say the house because this has been a recurring dream I've had all throughout my life. The house of endless doors and hallways. There were other people in it this time. I don't recognize any of them from my everyday life, but there was a sense that I knew them. Once I got to the house, I felt the weight I always feel there. It's an ominous feeling that there's something waiting for me there. It always feels so heavy. It is the unknown.
Instead of the usual house that goes on forever with no way out, this house was defined. It doesn't matter what form it takes in my dreams because I recognize the feeling of it. I am facing the unknown. The door with all that weight behind it finally opened. The barrier between what lives in there, undone. I just stood there as a figure walked toward me. I said, 'are you dead?' The figure laughed and said, 'yeah, I've been trapped in there.' After the door opened, all the weight disappeared, and I was enveloped by kindness.
I woke up in a state of amused disbelief. I woke up laughing. Was that really what I had spent so much time dreading in all the dreams I've had about this house during my lifetime? The very last door, the great unknown, the final frontier-- unconditional acceptance. A deep subconscious part of me had been so frightened by the presence of the figure as that's what I was always feeling upon entry. The only difference in this dream versus all the others was that I approached the door with a tense curiosity instead of fear. When I did that, I was only met with kindness, humor, and love.
It's amazing how it mirrored my reality. It's as if that figure was my actual subconscious, the unknown, reflecting the work that I've been doing recently. Over the past month, I've been experiencing the dissolution of ego. It has frankly been terrifying. This is happening to me through natural process. Letting go to the degree I have lately has been one of the toughest challenges of my life. Nothing can help me but me, and it's a new level of trust in both myself and the knowing that I am not this body I inhabit. It's a new level of integration, definitely. I've known this cognitively for a long time, but recently it's become more experiential. This is the liberation of being.
The experiences begin as a rush of energy within me. I have to lie down because it's more energy than I can contain. It feels as if reality is breaking apart, and I'm barely holding on. Then, I start a guided meditation where I am my own guide. I have no idea of what's coming next, but I know the words. I am the one walking me through these experiences. I am the observer. There is one aspect of me giving up all control and surrendering to the acceptance of the unknown while another aspect walks me through the full experience. I give up completely, and then the experience is over. It has come in waves and in varying degrees of surrender. Yesterday, I felt like I fully surrendered to the experience, but I truly don't know. I think my dream last night was a reflection of the full acceptance I've taken on, but the universe has a slightly dark and comedic 'but wait, there's more' undertone. At least mine has.
I believe I'm in the process of shedding parts of me that no longer belong to me and possibly never did. It feels like I'm releasing all the parts of me that have inhibited me. There has always been a part of my ego that has strongly worked to hold me back, not wanting to be seen. I believe that part of me is dying because it doesn't feel like it matters much to me anymore. It feels like I am opening up to a larger world and purpose, and it includes facing what was formerly my biggest challenge. Whatever is next for me, it's important to be fearless. It is yet another death and rebirth, and I am experiencing the intensity of the old burning to the ground. I am proud of myself for going through this with courage and full awareness, even if it is my only choice.
Sometimes these massive amounts of change and growth make me want to jump off the planet, but I've gone through it so many times at this point that I just approach it with a knowing of what awaits me on the other side of it. Freedom and peace. It is the purest form of freedom I could ever imagine, a sense of wholeness I didn't know was possible here on this earth. And yeah, I can tell you that there is a sadness as the old falls away. There is a sense of emptiness, a spaciousness created in this process that one may not yet know how to fill. However, the process is all about creating this new space for what is coming next. I can promise you it's always more aligned with you than what you've left behind. This is the ultimate trustfall. While you're falling, everything becomes muted-- even life and death. Only until you're caught with the incredible and loving strength of yourself, and you realize you're more alive than ever.
Currently inspired by
Comments