How to Breathe Underwater

"He feels himself buried in those two infinities, the ocean and the sky, at one and the same time: the one is a tomb; the other is a shroud.” Les Misérables

I was about seven or eight years old, we were at a small public water park in my home

state of West Virginia. I absolutely loved going to this place. It wasn't your average water park. There were waves and a few fancy slides.

I had been to this park several times, and I was a very good swimmer. But this day was different. We were in the deepest part of the wave pool- there's a bell that chimes when the waves are about to start. I was with some family, and we had lost a handle on our float when the waves started. I remember trying to swim and keep my head above the water, and I even tried grabbing one of my family members, but she was struggling, too. I was pushing her down. Eventually, I let go and stopped fighting, because I was exhausted. My memory of this is being deep underwater but being able to breathe. I have this strange memory of breathing underwater. It didn't hurt, there was no pain. There was only peace. When people talk about being afraid of drowning or say that they think that would be one of the worst ways to go, I must disagree. Obviously, I didn't die that day, but I will never forget how that felt and what a peaceful experience it was. I rate it 10/10

The lifeguard pulled me out, and that is where the memory starts falling apart. I am telling this story only as a precursor to the next.

Last year, I had a dream. Sometimes I think about this dream and even just thinking back to it brings tears to my eyes. I walked into a house, and there was a few feet of water in the house- it was flooded for whatever reason. I opened one of the doors and walked into what seemed to be a large Victorian bath. There was a lady standing there, her clothes were wet, her hair, her skin.

I asked if she had drowned, and she said yes very gently. She then asked me if I would like to hear something on the piano, and I said yes. She went over to a piano in the middle of this space and started playing. There was a second woman sitting on the side of a claw foot bathtub. I went over and sat beside her while we listened. She was turned away from me, and I couldn't see her face. Finally, she turned to look at me, but she never moved her body, she just turned her head all the way around. Normally, I feel like that would be horrifying- but it was the energy that I knew. I felt safe, and when she looked at me, we both just burst out laughing. It was as if I had been reunited with a friend from long, long ago. It was so goofy, and it makes me smile when I think about it.

After she turned to me, this entity came in to hug me, but when she embraced me, we merged into a single being. The entire world fell away in that instant. It was that peace from my childhood experience. I recognized it right away, and there are no words for what happened, but I'll try and tell you anyway. This feeling was wholeness, completion, it felt like home. All in this moment, time became obscure, irrelevant, and everything that I ever felt was missing fell into place. It was the most beautiful feeling I have ever felt, and it was pure love. Divine love, peace, truth, understanding and all in an instant.

I woke up from this dream gasping for air, and then I walked into my living room and just sat down on the floor and cried for an hour. The crying was just a product of the emotional overwhelm. When divine love touches you, everything suddenly makes sense, and that feeling of wholeness- the lack of the separation that we experience here through our egos, is God. I say that, because it was blindingly beautiful. It was perfection, and I couldn't hold onto it. That feeling was everything that I'd been searching for. I am so thankful for that experience, because anytime I get down or feel off track, I remember that dream, and what happened in it was the realest thing I've ever felt. I have a knowing within that can't be touched.

I wondered for months and months about that experience. I wondered who the entity

was, what it meant, etc. Finally, it just came to me and is obvious now. That was my higher self- that entity was a part of me that isn't incarnate, and I think it was just like a pat on the back. It was to remind me of home and give me strength to keep going at that time; it was a reminder that everything I had been seeking in life was my self, the wholeness of myself.

I haven't told many people about this dream, but I did tell my mom. I described what happened and to my surprise, she told me that's what she experienced when she went into cardiac arrest many years ago. My mom certainly knows death. And I was kind of relieved with how understanding she was when I told her about my dream. It's something difficult to talk to anyone about, because it's impossible to express in words. It was a sweet dose of validation, because she never talked about that experience until that conversation. We could've finished each others' sentences. It was amazing to talk to someone who understood, and it happened to be my own mom.

In that dream, I don't think I briefly died in my sleep or anything, but that moment of reconnection definitely impacted me on every level. Many months afterwards, I saw a lady talk about a near death experience she had while kayaking, and she describes those same feelings. Everyone's descriptions of these experiences are eerily similar. I think what I experienced was more like being given a cheat sheet. I didn't have to die or go through any major trauma to be reminded of who I was and what I was doing here, and the understanding of how temporary and beautiful life is. We are here to experience and fulfill our hearts' desires, The universe, the divine, whatever one may call it, will be right there waiting for you when it's over. All the separation we experience is only an illusion; it is the name of the game. Remembering your power and who you are is exactly why we're here. Grow, bb.